All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.