I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.