The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!