When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
When in doubt tell the truth.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.