God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
When in doubt tell the truth.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.