Golf is a good walk spoiled.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
When in doubt tell the truth.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.