Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
God created man, but I could do better.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Children make your life important.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.