A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Children make your life important.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
God created man, but I could do better.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.