Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
God created man, but I could do better.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Children make your life important.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.