A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
God created man, but I could do better.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Children make your life important.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.