Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.