Women should be obscene and not heard.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.