Quotes and anectdotes from the wise to the foolish, and the courageous to the drunk

Groucho Marx Comedian

  • Gender: Male
  • Citizenship: United States
  • Born: Oct 2, 1890
  • Died: Aug 19, 1977

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators.

He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigar, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the world's most ubiquitous and recognizable novelty disguises, known as "Groucho glasses": a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

Humor is reason gone mad. humor

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. good

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. funny

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. intelligence

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. relationship

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. funny & women

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. time

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. life & women

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. beauty

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. funny

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. medical

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. age

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. wedding

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. music

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. life

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. art & politics

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. best

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. medical

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. wedding

Women should be obscene and not heard. women

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. funny

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? marriage

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. humor

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. time

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. time

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. good

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. time

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. morning

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. marriage & politics