It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Humor is reason gone mad.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.