Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.