Humor is reason gone mad.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.