Women should be obscene and not heard.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Humor is reason gone mad.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.