The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
Politics is applesauce.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.